


Incorrect Princeton-Plainsboro Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [24]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Bob's Burgers Season 04 fusion, F/M, Female Taub, Incorrect Quotes, M/M, Modern Family fusion, No longer abandoned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23501854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes starring our favorite PPTH DoctorsIncluding, but not limited to...Ch 1: Eric and Thirteen raising a son together; Lisa and Lucas adopting little Asian Rachel; Greg and James with their three children - Chase, Chris, and Cameron -- one big -- straight, gay, multicultural, traditional -- happy family.Ch 2: parents and burger shop owners Greg and James, and their dysfunctional kids Eric, Chase, and Cameron.
Relationships: Eric Foreman/Remy "Thirteen" Hadley, Greg House/James Wilson, Lisa Cuddy & Rachel Cuddy, Lisa Cuddy/Lucas Douglas
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**[House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

 **Wilson** : Buddy, uncool.

 **House** : That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

 **Wilson** : We were serious about that?

 **House** : Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

 **Chase** : I'm so sorry!

 **House** : Liar. Go.

 **Wilson** : He's got a birthday party.

 **[Taub](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Alex_Dunphy)** : What's more important here, Dad?

 **House** : You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

 **Wilson** : I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

 **Taub** : What about 3:00?

 **House** : No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

 **Wilson** : Yeah, I guess that works for me. _[House writes "Shoot Chase" on schedule. Chase groans.]_ Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

 **Chase** : Oh, come on!

**[Wilson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Phil_Dunphy)** : _[To Alison]_ Boy, things with your dad got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? 

_[Cut to Wilson by himself talking to the camera]_ Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting". I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" 

_[Cut back to Wilson and Alison]_ Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!

 **[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Hailey_Dunphy)** : A what?

 **Wilson** : I followed [Hall & Oates](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hall_%26_Oates) around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

**[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Cameron_Tucker)** : Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.

 **[Cuddy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Mitchell_Pritchett)** : Yeah, but Alison, you always just take things a little too far.

 **Alison** : No, I don't.

 **Cuddy** : Okay, your nephew's first birthday.

 **Alison** : That's not fair.

 **Cuddy** : You brought a wind machine.

 **Alison** : To be fair, my vision was--

 **Cuddy** : Alison, you brought a wind machine.

 **Alison** : Who puts wheels on cribs?

**Alison** : So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your brother?

 **Cuddy** : No.

 **Alison** : Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

 **[House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

 **Alison** : Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. House, Cuddy still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. _[to Taub and Thirteen]_ Ladies, come inside with me please. _[to House and Cuddy]_ Work it out. Come on.

_[Alison and the girls leave the scene]_

**Cuddy** : Thanks, Ali.

 **House** : Is she serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

 **Cuddy** : Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, House.

 **House** : Yeah, 21 years ago...

 **Cuddy** : Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

 **House** : Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

 **Cuddy** : Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

**[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Cameron_Tucker)** : Hey, Wilson... are you getting a Clown for today?

 **[Wilson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Phil_Dunphy)** : Er no, Chase er... Chase's not much of a Clown-fan.

 **Alison** : Really?

 **Wilson** : Yeah, never really liked them.

 **Alison** : Has he ever seen a good one?

 **Wilson** : Has anyone?!

**[House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : Wilson has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.

 **[Wilson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Phil_Dunphy)** : One time I told Chase that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.

 **House** : Wilson's problem is follow-through.

 **Wilson** : We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

 **[Thirteen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Gloria_Pritchett)** : Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

 **[Foreman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Jay_Pritchett)** : But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

 **[Kutner](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Manny_Delgado)** : At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

 **Foreman** : How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

**[Taub](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Alex_Dunphy)** : Did you draw on my poster?

 **[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Haley_Dunphy)** : Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

 **Taub** : I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Alison.

 **Alison** : Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.

 **Taub** : That's [Maya Angelou](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Maya_Angelou), you idiot.

 **Alison** : Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

**House** : Bonnie? Do I know Bonnie?

 **[Wilson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Phil_Dunphy)** : Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

 **[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Haley_Dunphy)** : Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

 **House** : Thank you.

 **[Chase](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Luke_Dunphy)** : You had a girlfriend before Dad?

 **Wilson** : Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Dad.

 **House** : And thank you.

**Taub** : _[Enters the car]_ Hey dad-

 **House** : That was 20 minutes.

 **Taub** : Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.

 **House** : Oh honey, why so sweet?

 **Taub** : Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.

 **House** : Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!

 **Taub** : Oh my gosh!

 **House** : Yeah, that's right!

 **Taub** : Thanks dad!

 **House** : Go on, have a great time!

_[Taub leaves the car smiling, running to friends]_

**House** : _[Yelling to Taub from a distance]_ Oh, Taub, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! _[Mumbling]_ Teach her to screw with me.

**House** : Where'd you go?

 **[Taub](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Alex_Dunphy)** : Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

 **[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Haley_Dunphy)** : Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?

 **House** : Taub, did you do that?

 **Taub** : You got a text?

 **Alison** : Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!

 **Taub** : This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!

 **House** : Alison, did you say that to her?

 **Alison** : Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!

 **Taub** : I'm never going back to school now.

 **House** : No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -

 **Taub** : What?! You read my texts?!

 **Alison** : You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!

 **Taub** : You made her talk to me?!

 **House** : I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Taub, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.

 **Taub** : Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good boy like you were!

 **Alison** : Were you?

 **House** : Oh.

**House** : [ _to Foreman_ ] Thirteen is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

 **[Foreman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Jay_Pritchett)** : Really?

 **House** : Yes.

 **Foreman** : _You_ have trouble showing affection in public places?

 **House** : Yes.

 **Foreman** : You?

 **House** : [ _changes tone_ ] Yes.

 **Foreman** : Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

[ _The kids walk in_ ]

 **Alison** : Oh my god, what?

 **Taub** : You were arrested?

 **[Chase](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Luke_Dunphy)** : Awesome!

 **House** : Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

 **Foreman** : It was just a joke. [ _whispers to House_ ] I got a million of 'em.

 **House** : Dad...

_[Alison walks in with a revealing nurse costume]_

**[House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : What the hell is that?

 **[Alison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : What? You told me to put on an old costume.

 **House** : Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.

 **Alison** : Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am [Mother Teresa](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mother_Teresa).

_[Alison walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]_

**House** : Are you kidding me?

 **Alison** : What? I am her back then when she was hot.

 **House** : I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

 **[Taub](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Alex_Dunphy)** : I bet that's the first time you heard that.

**[Cuddy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Mitchell_Pritchet)** : _[talking about Rachel being in a commercial]_ Let's just let Rachel have a normal childhood.

 **[Lucas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Cameron_Tucker)** : I think that gay cruise has sailed.

 **Lucas** : [speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Rachel. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.

 **Cuddy** : Cam, did you just sell our baby?

**[Lucas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Cameron_Tucker)** : Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.

 **[Cuddy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Mitchell_Pritchet)** : I do not!

 **Lucas** : Oh, really? What about "But Yet Amber"?

 **Cuddy** : _[mocking her]_ "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.

 **Lucas** : You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

**[House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Claire_Dunphy)** : So where is he? Where's Wilson?

 **[Foreman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Jay_Pritchett)** : Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

 **[Cuddy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Mitchell_Pritchett)** : _[to House]_ I thought he was coming with you.

 **House** : Oh, no, no, I haven't seen Wilson since, let's see....oh! he made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

 **Foreman** : WHAT?!?

 **Cuddy** : NO, MY GOD!!

 **House** : Yeah, yeah. And then, he took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Curtis!"

 **Foreman** : What the hell is he doing, he's half his age!

_[Cuddy and House give sarcastic looks at him and Thirteen]_

**Foreman** : Don't say it.

 **[Thirteen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Modern_Family#Gloria_Pritchett)** : _[slurringly]_ I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

 **House** : Dad, what's going on over there?

 **Foreman** : She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

 **House** : _[Talking about Curtis]_ Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

 **Cuddy** : You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

_[Lucas leaps out from the dining room, dressed as Fizbo, in a court jester costume]_

**Lucas** : _[in a faux Cockney accent]_ 'Ello, guv'nor!

 **Cuddy** : _[In disbelief]_ I gotta jump. _[hangs up]_ Alright... Let's hear it.

 **Lucas** : Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

 **Cuddy** : _[copying his faux Cockney accent]_ No!

 **Lucas** : Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

 **Cuddy** : There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

[while getting a massage, Foreman accidentally said "I love you" to Wilson]

 **Wilson** : I really need to talk to you.

 **Foreman** : You really don't.

 **Wilson** : Foreman, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

 **Foreman** : [relieved] Oh. Good for you!

 **Wilson** : Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

**Alison** : Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

 **Taub** : This is not the time for moral equivocation.

 **Alison** : Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

 **Taub** : You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

 **Alison** : All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

 **Taub** : Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

 **Alison** : [scoffs] Oh, you sound like dad. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

**Cuddy** : We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption.

 **Lucas** : It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date.

 **Cuddy** : Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.

 **Taub** : [House wants Taub to tell him how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

 **House** : You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!

[Looks in mirror]

 **House** : You're good.

 **Thirteen** : [Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!

[laughs]

 **Thirteen** : Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!

[hangs up]

 **Kutner** : I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

 **Foreman** : I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

 **Thirteen** : That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.

**Alison:** Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

 **Taub:** You're the one who tries to read.

 **Alison:** Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!

 **Taub:** Seriously, Hayley, you think you are the coolest person ever!

 **Alison:** Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?!

 **Taub:** Look at me! I'm so cool! (The girls kept arguing until Chase stops it.)

 **Chase:** ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU TWO FIGHTING ALL THE TIME! YOU'RE A BAD BIG SISTER, AND YOU'RE A BAD LITTLE SISTER! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.


	2. Source: Bob's Burgers season 04

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calling Wilson "Papa" is in honor of my friend's uncle who died yesterday

**A River Runs Through Greg [4.01]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bob%27s_Burgers_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=1)]

 **Chase** : _[about Greg's multitool]_ Could it kill an eagle?

 **Greg** : Why would we want to kill an eagle?

 **Chase** : I don't know. They're so condescending.

**James** : Wine helps me drink.

**Fort Night [4.02]**

**James** : Amber, Taub, what are you doing right now?

 **Amber** : Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.

 **Taub** : Watching Amber adjust herself.

**Seaplane! [4.03]**

**Greg** : Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Sykes"?

 **Taub** : Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives and househusbands.

 **Chase** : What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?

 **Taub** : No, Chase. Sykes is seducing your pappy.

 **Chase** : Hmmm.

 **Cameron** : I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.

**Cameron** : _[to Lucas]_ You should teach at my school.

 **Lucas** : And you should work in my coal mine.

**Chase** : "Upskirt Sykes." What a nickname! I mean, it almost rhymes, for one.

 **Cameron** : Was papa even wearing a skirt? I can't remember.

**Lucas** : Shake a leg, Greg. Upskirt Sykes moves faster than this. He's not called "Sykes The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"

**Upskirt Sykes** : Why'd you headbutt me?!

 **James** : I was going to punch you, but I'm holding wine.

**My Big Fat Greek Greg [4.04]**

**Eric** : It's a man cave. And Eric's going spelunking.

**Turkey in A Can [4.05]**

_[Greg tries to confront who put the Thanksgiving turkey in the toilet]_

**Greg** : So, really— no one wants to confess? Cameron?

 **Cameron** : It wasn't me!

 **James** : Cameron...

 **Cameron** : It wasn't!

 **Greg** : So, no one—including Cameron—wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your papa and Stacy!

 **James** : Geegee!

 **Stacy** : No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.

 **James** : Greg, come on. It was Cameron. Or maybe Chase.

 **Chase** : _[gasps]_ How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Cameron.

 **Cameron** : Unbelievable. So, everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?

 **Chase** : Yep. Perfect system.

**Greg:** I just want everyone to know that I've calmed down from this morning, and in the spirit of the holiday, whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon!

_(No one responds)_

**Greg:** Ugh, I really thought that would work! Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet!?

**Purple Rain-union [4.06]**

_[Stacy explains why she doesn't want to re-join James’ band]_

**Stacy** : You never let me sing any of my songs.

 **James** : That's because your songs were all so... _[whispers]_ ...sexual.

 **Eric** : Pardon?

 **James** : Plus, you had that speech impediment.

 **Stacy** : I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."

**Greg And Deliver [4.07]**

**Taub** : I gotta go to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I'm dreading it.

 **James** : Oh. Is this the cousin you got to second base with?

 **Taub** : No, that was my second cousin, and it was third base.

**Greg** : Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?

**Ms. Adams** : It's over, Greg. Caf-Co won. You're done.

 **Greg** : _Meat_ is done. Not people!

 **Martha** : Woah, I just got a little chill when he said that.

**Martha** : This will always be remembered—until people forget.

**Christmas In The Car [4.08]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bob%27s_Burgers_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=8)]

 **James** : It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Geegee?

 **Greg** : I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.

 **James** : N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?

 **Cameron** : Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?

 **Chase** : We want a divorce!

_[The Houses park their car in the woods to avoid a menacing truck.]_

**Greg** : Okay, everyone just be quiet.

 **Chase** : Can I say just one thing?

 **Greg** : Chase...

 **Chase** : I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.

 **Eric** : Papa...

 **James** : Yes, Eric?

 **Eric** : I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.

 **James** : That's okay, Eric. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.

 **Eric** : Thanks. That's what I was going for.

 **Cameron** : Papa?

 **Greg** : Oh my God...

 **Cameron** : Where do babies come from?

 **James** : You all came from my vagina.

 **Chase** : Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Eric!

**Slumber Party [4.09]**

**James** : I can't believe Cameron doesn't want to have a slumber party.

 **Greg** : Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.

 **James** : If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.

 **Greg** : That sounds like nonsense.

 **James** : Nonsense, or Papa-sense?

**Presto, Eric-o [4.10]**

**Eric** : "Danger" is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.

**Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial [4.11]**

**Chase** : I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BM's until halftime, where I will make a "Super Bowel!"

 **James** : Chase, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You gotta set 'em free, so they can go down the sewer and find their families, and they're happy!

 **Chase** : _I'm_ their family! I raised them!

_[James tries to fund his commercial by withdrawing from his savings account.]_

**Banker** : _[typing on his computer]_ This is an impressive savings account here.

 **James** : Yeah?

 **Banker** : And then, here's yours.

 **James** : Okay...

 **Banker** : _[switching between the two screens]_ Good planning, careful saving... _[James’ account]_ ...no apparent plan, small random deposits.

 **James** : Okay, you've made your point.

 **Banker** : Good! I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to help you.

 **James** : Actually, it's kind of hurtful.

 **Banker** : Aww!

 **James** : Look, I know I'm basically emptying my account, but it's for a good reason. I'll be in here soon depositing twice as much.

 **Banker** : Oh, that'll be fun! I'll have our vault enlarged.

**The Adams Files [4.12]**

**James:** Where are our kids' projects? We can't find them.

 **Ms. Adams:** Oh...they're um...they're over there.

 **Greg:** You didn't point at anything. When you say "over there," you kind of have to point at something.

_("Finger Quotes" throughout)_

**Ms. Adams:** The Superintendent is here and I'm already on thin ice with her because my "credentials" aren't "valid" in "this state."

**Chi:** Cameron, relax! It's me, Chi. [Come with me if you want to continue to be alive.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminator_2:_Judgement_Day)

_("Farts Will Set You Free")_

It's that gas from your ass

That toot from your boot

That hum in your bum

That loot from your chute

All that air from your ol' derriere

Come on and set it free

'Cause farts are liberty!

What do we wanna do? (Fart, fart!)

Open up your butt cheeks

This is how our butts speak

Let's

Go

Faaaaaart!

**Mazel Eric [4.13]**

**Cameron:** You know a lot about bat mitzvahs for someone who thought Chanukkah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.

**Eric:** Rumor has it this party will be packed with Beef-ohs.

 **Greg:** What are "Beef-ohs"?

 **Eric:** B-F-O-S; "Boys from Other Schools".

 **James:** What's wrong with the boys from your school?

 **Eric:** I need fresh faces. And fresh butts.

 **Chase:** You'll take the butts you're given, and you'll like it!

**Uncle Taub [4.14]**

_(Greg and James need a babysitter.)_

**Greg:** Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.

 **Taub:** I'm someone.

 **James:** We could call your cousin Vanessa.

 **Greg:** She's in a cult.

 **James:** What, people in a cult can't babysit?

 **Taub:** I'm not in a cult.

 **Greg:** Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.

 **James:** Ugh! She smells awful!

 **Taub:** I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!

 **Greg:** Taub, have you ever babysat before?

 **Taub:** Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.

 **James:** Uh, I don't know if...

 **Greg:** _(Grabbing James’ hand and walking him away)_ Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!

**The Kids Rob A Train [4.15]**

_(On the Wine Train, Greg and James notice a wine taster making obnoxious noises as he drinks)_

**James:** Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!

 **Greg:** Why, because he's slurping?

_(After James invites him over...)_

**Greg:** James, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.

 **James:** Why? I do, Geegee. He's an expert!

 **Greg:** Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to _you_ that much, to be honest.

**I Get a Psy-chic Out of You [4.16]**

**Taub:** Super-freaky, huh?

 **Greg:** What?

 **Taub:** James was right about who was calling. And where Amber's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!

 **Chase:** Try a third one, Papa!

 **James:** Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark, and handsome.

 **Greg:** Um, *ahem*, you’re already here.

 **Chase:** Hehe, good one, Dad.

 **Greg:** Thank you, son.

 **Chase:** You're welcome.

_(Marshmallow walks into the restaurant.)_

**Marshmallow:** Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.

 **Greg:** Oh, hey, Marshmallow.

 **James:** _*(gasps)*_ Tall, dark, and handsome!

 **Chase:** That settles it: Papa's psychic!

 **Greg:** No, he isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's.... beautiful.

 **Marshmallow:** Blush!

**The Equestranauts [4.17]**

_(Taub notices the "Equestra-Con" Flyer on the counter.)_

**Taub:** Hey, Greg. You going to Equestra-Con?

 **Greg:** Uh, no, Taub. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

 **Taub:** Beg to differ, Greg. It's for _guys_ that like toy horses. They're called ["Equesticles."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Little_Pony:_Friendship_Is_Magic_fandom)

 **Greg:** "Equesticles?"

 **Taub:** Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.

_(At the convention...)_

**Chase:** Does anyone else think these girls all look like men?

 **Cameron:** I think they _are_ men. This is a kind of man. We've discovered a new kind of man!

 **Chase:** Do you think they're dangerous?

_(An "Equesticle" in full costume hums a happy tune while brushing his dolls hair.)_

**Cameron:** N..... no.

**Cameron:** Eric, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse?

 **Eric:** What? No! I mean, kind of. Why would you say that?

 **Cameron:** _(pointing at Bronconius)_ He just said it!

 **James:** Wha, who, wha, what's goin' on, wha?

 **Cameron:** Eric got swindled!

 **James:** Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!

 **Chase:** _Aaahhhh_! I told you we should have never left the food court!

**Ambergris [4.18]**

_(The kids discover the lump of[ambergris](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambergris) and its distinctive odor.)_

**Eric, Chase, Cameron:** _(sniff)_ Gross! _(sniff)_ Great! _(sniff)_ Gross! _(sniff)_ Great!

 **Cameron:** I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great!

 **Chase:** Is that what sex will be like?

**Greg:** Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?

 **Lucas:** Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?

 **Greg:** You gave it to me when we first met.

 **Lucas:** Not to _use!_

**James:** Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.

_(As Greg and James watch TV, Cameron runs into their bedroom to retrieve the ambergris.)_

**James:** Hey, why are you going into our room?

 **Greg:** Probably putting something gross in our bed.

 **Cameron:** I'm taking something gross _out of_ your bed.

 **Greg:** Oh, okay.

 **James:** Thanks, sweetie!

**The Kids Run Away [4.19]**

**Kutner:** Greg! Cameron ran away!

 **Greg:** What!?

 **Kutner:** She told me to wait ten minutes before I told you. But I'm a grown man, and she's a little girl. So, I waited eight.

 **Greg:** You waited eight minutes to tell me my daughter ran away?

 **Kutner:** Don't tell her I didn't wait the full ten!

_(Greg and James plan their strategy against Cameron)_

**Greg:** You know, I've never read any parenting books, but I'm pretty sure this isn't in them.

 **James:** Parenting books? There are parenting books?

 **Greg:** Yeah.

 **James:** I thought that was a joke.

 **Greg:** Nope.

 **James:** I should write a parenting book. Call it, "Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!"

 **Greg:** You should do that.

 **James:** I know, right? Make a fortune!


End file.
